An Internal Struggle

As many of you know, I have dropped out of school and spend my time home alone or with my best friend Richard. What many of you don't know is why I am home and what the world I'm doing. I still don't know what I'm doing but what I do know is that being home and being with friends and family is the best thing for me right now. There's this battle going on inside of me that I can't explain adequately, but will try. I miss my Momma so much that it literally makes me sick on a daily basis. Life without her is a silent struggle because I no longer have anyone to turn to that can solve all of my problems with a hug or a band-aid. People always say that they know what I'm going through, but they don't. No one knows the exact things that I've been through, how I watched my Momma struggle for the last three years of her life, how I depended on her so much and how much I still need her in my life right now. I'm at a crossroads in life with no map, no compass, and no instincts to tell me which way to go. I feel empty and anytime I do feel something, it's pain. I live for the laughter that comes along on sunny days but it cannot heal the pain inside. I feel like I'm stuck inside a clear box with everyone looking at me and examining me but I cannot get out and I cannot hear what anyone is saying. I look out the window and I see the birds flying away with no place to go, but they are able to go and I wish for that freedom. I want it so bad but I can't seem to find it. If there were a place that I could go and be absolutely alone, I would. I hate being this dark cloud in the room that everyone feels sorry for. I hate depending on other people and seeing them worry about me constantly. I'm trapped and I cannot break free. Even when I sleep there is no peace. The dreams are nightmares and not ghosts or horrible demons, but real live things. Other people that I love dying, hurting, screaming and I can do nothing for them. There are continuous butterflies in my stomach but I am not nervous. They flutter around until I get sick or find some small sort of peace. I am no longer who I once was; I have lost my smiling face, I have lost friends, I have lost everything. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, it just keeps on going forever into the dark abyss.

There are a few people that need to be spoken to because I haven't had the courage to do it face to face...

Cara Davis - I miss you terribly, but do not deserve to be around someone with such happiness until I climb out of this dark hole. I hope that if/when I get out of this that you and I can be friends again. I don't know if that's possible, but I sure can wish for it.

Richard Summer - You and I have been to Hell and back quite a few times since we met and I just want you to know that I love and appreciate every second that you spend with me. You know all of these feelings, these secrets inside of me and you don't judge me one bit. Friends like you are incredibly rare and I thank you for sticking by me even when I go crazy with the pain. Just sitting in silence with you makes it not feel so terrible. I love you very much and always will.

Linzy Laird - Even though you and I fussed and fought a lot, I appreciate all of the time and effort that you poured into me. Thanks for going with me to see Ms. Sue when I did not have the courage to go alone. Thanks for dealing with me these past few years as I slipped into this struggle, I know I haven't always been the nicest of people.

Meredith and Thomas Brooks - I miss you both terribly and I'll see you soon. I'm sorry that I didn't get to make the trips, hopefully you guys understand why now.

Matt Whitehurst - I'm sorry for everything and I miss our inside jokes and random weeks together. I hope we can get back to that one day. But for now, some random talking will suffice.


This is something that I found today and it reminded me of the struggle. I feel like this is going on inside of me at all times.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJGpL0NuzFo

Singles Awareness Day (SAD)

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.”
—Noah (Ryan Gosling) to Allie (Rachel McAdams)

Valentine's Day isn't until next weekend but here I am thinking about it. I have known it most recently as SINGLES AWARENESS DAY AKA SAD. It's one of those holidays that puts pressure on both men and women alike. The men have to worry about getting good gifts for the women because society tells them to do so and the women have to "beautify" themselves even more than they do on a daily basis. If a person doesn't have a significant other, then people worry weeks and weeks before about finding one. Both sides have a story and both sides need to chill out. I think that Valentines Day should be everyday and that love should not only be for our fellow men but also for our Lord Jesus. There is NO love like His; NOTHING can compete with his exponential love; No gift can outweigh His; there is no competition. Although the above quote makes my heart pound against my chest and I hope to find this love again someday, it is nothing compared to the love letter written by Jesus Christ in the New Testament. Even though I have had some great boyfriends and still have amazing friends; people fail you, they disappoint you, they make you angry. God never does that, God is ALWAYS there for you. Let go of these people who are holding you back from an undying love, one that WILL last forever. Let Jesus Christ be your Valentine! Read His word! Pray and speak to Him!  It's okay to have a boyfriend/girlfriend/valentine, but do not stress about having one. It is the WORLD telling you to do so, and if you are a Christian you are NOT OF THIS WORLD! So this V-DAY/SAD, spend time with people that you love but most importantly, make time for the ultimate love!!!

Perfect

This week I have come to find that I am nowhere near perfect. I never thought that I was, but I was trying...I can't be perfect. It's unattainable.  I can't fix friends problems, heck, I can't even keep friends. I know that there are people that care about me, especially my Lord and Savior; but sometimes it's easy to feel so alone in this big old world. I know that there are a lot of people out there going through bad things: breakups, financial problems, loosing friendships, stress, bad decisions, etc. BUT I want you to know that there is a God who LOVES you more than anything in the whole wide world! 2 Corinthians 12:10 says "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." This verse describes life. God never promised that it would be easy, He just promised that He would be there, ALWAYS. And God's always....it's a FOREVER kinda thing, not the "always" that people promise you. You can ALWAYS count on Jesus to get you through the things that this world throws at  you. Just talk to Him, give Him your problems! He will fix them ALL in His own PERFECT timing!
<3 God Bless

North Greenville...

This past week has been more than eventful.
First off, i regained a great friend.
As most of you know, Richard and I stopped being friends last summer but recently became good friends again, I sure have missed the guy.  He hasn't changed a bit. :)
Secondly, I had an amazing birthday! Thanks to everyone who made it greatttt!
Last, I had to move back to school on Monday. This doesn't make me happy.
I'm so homesick that it isn't funny, and I don't think it's because I want to be in Ware Shoals, I think I just miss the freedom that I have had over break.  I miss all of my friends at home and just want to be with them.
Richard helped me move in and almost wrecked my car, but we had a pretty awesome time Monday night and he means the world to me.  I'm sleepy and tired already and I've only been to one class and chapel; but I know that God is already teaching me things.  I changed my major to Christian Studies, I'm gonna be a youth pastor now. :) I also had my interview for SummerSalt and have an interview to be a campus ambassador this afternoon! God is giving me things to do for His glory and I'm working on them.  Even though I'm homesick, I'm sure that I will be back to normal soon! At least I hope so!!!