As many of you know, I have dropped out of school and spend my time home alone or with my best friend Richard. What many of you don't know is why I am home and what the world I'm doing. I still don't know what I'm doing but what I do know is that being home and being with friends and family is the best thing for me right now. There's this battle going on inside of me that I can't explain adequately, but will try. I miss my Momma so much that it literally makes me sick on a daily basis. Life without her is a silent struggle because I no longer have anyone to turn to that can solve all of my problems with a hug or a band-aid. People always say that they know what I'm going through, but they don't. No one knows the exact things that I've been through, how I watched my Momma struggle for the last three years of her life, how I depended on her so much and how much I still need her in my life right now. I'm at a crossroads in life with no map, no compass, and no instincts to tell me which way to go. I feel empty and anytime I do feel something, it's pain. I live for the laughter that comes along on sunny days but it cannot heal the pain inside. I feel like I'm stuck inside a clear box with everyone looking at me and examining me but I cannot get out and I cannot hear what anyone is saying. I look out the window and I see the birds flying away with no place to go, but they are able to go and I wish for that freedom. I want it so bad but I can't seem to find it. If there were a place that I could go and be absolutely alone, I would. I hate being this dark cloud in the room that everyone feels sorry for. I hate depending on other people and seeing them worry about me constantly. I'm trapped and I cannot break free. Even when I sleep there is no peace. The dreams are nightmares and not ghosts or horrible demons, but real live things. Other people that I love dying, hurting, screaming and I can do nothing for them. There are continuous butterflies in my stomach but I am not nervous. They flutter around until I get sick or find some small sort of peace. I am no longer who I once was; I have lost my smiling face, I have lost friends, I have lost everything. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, it just keeps on going forever into the dark abyss.
There are a few people that need to be spoken to because I haven't had the courage to do it face to face...
Cara Davis - I miss you terribly, but do not deserve to be around someone with such happiness until I climb out of this dark hole. I hope that if/when I get out of this that you and I can be friends again. I don't know if that's possible, but I sure can wish for it.
Richard Summer - You and I have been to Hell and back quite a few times since we met and I just want you to know that I love and appreciate every second that you spend with me. You know all of these feelings, these secrets inside of me and you don't judge me one bit. Friends like you are incredibly rare and I thank you for sticking by me even when I go crazy with the pain. Just sitting in silence with you makes it not feel so terrible. I love you very much and always will.
Linzy Laird - Even though you and I fussed and fought a lot, I appreciate all of the time and effort that you poured into me. Thanks for going with me to see Ms. Sue when I did not have the courage to go alone. Thanks for dealing with me these past few years as I slipped into this struggle, I know I haven't always been the nicest of people.
Meredith and Thomas Brooks - I miss you both terribly and I'll see you soon. I'm sorry that I didn't get to make the trips, hopefully you guys understand why now.
Matt Whitehurst - I'm sorry for everything and I miss our inside jokes and random weeks together. I hope we can get back to that one day. But for now, some random talking will suffice.
This is something that I found today and it reminded me of the struggle. I feel like this is going on inside of me at all times. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJGpL0NuzFo
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